Love in Silence

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He is not ready for what are you ready for, but you actually don't have any obligation to wait for him until he changes his mind. Sometimes, it's okay to love someone in silence..

I am a woman who always end up the same in every relationship. It must be started from something unexpected, sweet, and thought that he was the one for me, he was so different, and I could live forever with him then broke up. As the time passed, the truth of their selves came up. Some of them are possessive, verbal abusive, not caring, ego, too pride, or even they don't know what they should do. The pattern of my relationships were always the same even with different kind of guy.

Once, I stood up in the mirror then asking the same question to my self, "Is it my fault? or it just a coincidence?" Well, my friend told me that I should change my guy type or even try to love a guy friend instead find a guy outside of my circle. I have no idea, why should I change my principe about it? I don't wanna find a lover inside my circle because I don't want to ruin the friendship. I don't want to try and never. Is it false?

They said that maybe if I change my principe then the karma is change. The pattern is broken. Really? What if I don't like him? Should I pretending that I like my guy friend just because I want to try what if the pattern could be broken. No. Love is come naturally from the inside and until now I don't know how to explain how miracle is love could be.

Alright, sorry for my sudden emotional. Back again, after all the disaster relationship that I had for 7 years long. I end up and decided to not like someone for awhile, to healing, to know my self better, to love me more. But then, a guy came up. He is my acquaintance since the beginning 2016, but I don't remember how we met. I don't know why, suddenly we are getting closer and it's likely that we like each other. We have similar things to like and how we think critically. I was so happy at that moment instead that he is younger than me (since my last boyfriend is also younger than me and end up really bad). I didn't expect him to be my boyfriend but as the time goes by, I always think about him, how he made me smile through the pain that I felt.

Well, maybe the pattern couldn't be broken again. He left me. I don't know what I did to him, but suddenly he just walk away from me slowly. I was still thinking positively, do not overthink about it. But, my positive minds which creating a fantasy story collapse to the reality which he is gone. The last time he called just to say that he doesn't want to be in relationship then I said it's alright. Because I didn't know how to respond. I don't want to push him and insist him to be with me. Maybe, I can stay and wait for him to be ready...

And that is one of my mistake, it's okay to love someone in silence but do not expect him be with you when he is ready. Once he is ready, he might not choose you, but the other girl. Maybe you think that he is on pursuing his career or maybe want to love him self more. But, what if one day, you heard that he is closer to someone that she is absolutely not you? What are you gonna do? Again, it feels like your hope shattered into pieces. But, what we can do? nothing but accept.

Once he is ready, he might not choose you, but the other girl.

Just accept that he actually not into you. Just accept that God saves you from the old pattern before step into serious relationship (even he is really your typical guy). It takes time for me to accept the reality, even sometimes I do miss him, I do miss his voice, and everything that we had before. Accompanied him working, go to cinema, drink wine, laugh with his friends and debate each other. That is so simple but truth beautiful for me. I still can sense the warmest feelings between me and him. Well, it just short good memories at the end of the year.

December will be welcoming me and I should be happy because not in a month, I am going to turn 26 years old. I hope my love life is getting better and I do not need to be sad anymore, I just need to accept that he is no longer besides or like me anymore. I like and adore him, but it's okay to love someone in silence until my true soulmate picks me up.